How Embracing Tolerance Has Failed Us | Dr. Kristen Donnelly | TEDxSouthLakeTahoe

Transcriber: Hannelore Van de Calseyde. Reviewer: Michael Nystrom I have a vivid memory. of a meeting I went to once. It took place in a church basement in suburban Philadelphia. And the room was. full of earnest do-gooders. We were drinking Wawa iced tea and eating Tastykakes and talking about diversity. The group that I was with was passionate about creating life-enriching experiences. for the students in our care. And a lot of ideas. were bandied about that day. We finally landed on the idea, of inviting a group of Black youth to join our group of white youth in a joint day of service at a soup kitchen in a historically marginalized neighborhood. By the way, the day went great - in terms of meals packaged, for the soup kitchen. But ... looking back,. it didn’t meet the brief at all. No significant relationships were formed. The students didn’t talk to anybody. they didn’t already come with. And neither group was more diverse, than they had been when they walked through the door. But we were thrilled. The tick box exercise definition of diversity had been checked, and we could go back to our daily lives, proud of ourselves. for having achieved diversity. I was 11 when that went down. I’m 37 now, and that, could have happened last week. And y’all, that is a problem. Diversity is understanding that every group you are in is already diverse because every human being carries. diversity and difference within them, and then responding to that truth, by ensuring that everybody can bring their full selves to every conversation. It is not gathering disparate people. into proximity and declaring diversity. Diversity is reality,. and how can reality be a goal? Our goal instead is inclusion. Diversity is reality,, inclusion is our goal, and tolerance is the cheap imitation of both. Legal scholar Kimberlé Crenshaw, coined the term “intersectionality” in the 1980s to describe that women are not a homogenous group, and the lived experiences of Black women are different than those of white women. While women are marginalized, and oppressed everywhere, Black women suffer more than white women because of systemic racism, societal prejudice, and so forth. Since then, the concept has evolved to become a cornerstone of how social scientists understand the world. It’s also a bit of a buzzword,. so you may have heard of it, but it doesn't mean anything. Just like diversity doesn't unless we activate it and implement it into our actual daily lives. I’m white. I’m a woman. I’m middle class. I am more educated than is common. I am a business owner who is vaguely obsessed with Captain America and who can sing, every single word of “Hamilton.” I’ve lived outside the U.S., I’ve married to an immigrant, and I was born and raised, on traditional Lenni Lenape lands. That barely scratches, the surface of who I am, but it definitely describes, me better than “white lady,” the research tells me, you thought, when I walked out here. Just as Lizzo is not just her body. and Malala is not just her past. Just as Trayvon Martin, was not just the Black boy that George Zimmerman saw,, assumed he had nothing in common with, and was therefore threatened by. We are all so many things all at once, and many of those things. form common points of intersection that can endorse and cultivate diversity. Intersectionality is a bit of a buzzword, because it is both. relatively straightforward and deceptively simple. We understand what intersections, are in terms of roads, right? So how could intersections in our lives be any more different? It is simple. We are all so many things all at once. However, there are three things. we have to sit with before we can truly operationalize an intersectional worldview. First, intersections come in several categories. There are intersections, that put us at the center of normal for whatever our society is, or whatever society we’re in, or all societies. Those are ones that privilege us. Then there’s ones that put us on the outside of that center. Ones that other us or oppress us. Let’s take my state intersections, and break them down along those lines. I am white, which is. a privilege everywhere, even when I'm in the physical minority. I am a woman, which is an oppression everywhere, even when I'm in the physical majority. As a white woman, I experience more privilege than Black, Asian, Latino or indigenous women, but I still deal with the stuff that comes with being a woman. Some things about my life, put me right at the center of normal for what our society. assumes women are to be. It’s assumed I’ll be in a heterosexual relationship. I am, so that's a privilege. I’m in my thirties,,

so everybody assumes I’m married. I am. So that’s another privilege. It’s assumed I’ll have, a higher education degree, I’ll really like Chardonnay,. and I’ll have a couple of kids. And here is where things, get more complicated. I do have higher education degrees, but I have more than most, and so that others me. True confession time,, I’m iffy on wine, y’all. It’s fine, but I love, Bushmills and Guinness. In terms of children, however,, I’ve made the choice not to have any and instead focus my energies, on changing the world. There are women who can do both. I ain’t now of those women. So I made a choice,, and that choice others me. The difference between oppression and privilege is whatever systems are in place. to make sure that one group of people remains in power over another group of people. And there are a lot of systems in place around the world that mean that the default idea, of “ideal human” is a white upper-middle class, educated, cisgendered, heterosexual male,, whose BMI is medically acceptable and who is completely able-bodied. Body mass index, by the way, is a great example of something that is kind of culturally conditioned that doesn’t really equate, to actual health. So whenever people are making laws, they make them, in honor and by the standard of this ideal human. Unless there’s someone in the room. to give other options. It’s the same with infrastructure,. clothing prices, education decisions, voting districts, and more. Any way in which we line up, with those systems of that ideal person means that we are privileged. And any way we don’t, means that we are oppressed. Now, different systems, carry different power. And this is where we get into a conversation about equity. Whoever you are,. whatever your intersections are, you most likely hold privilege. in at least one of them. Does your body work. the way society wants it to? Well, that’s a privilege. What about your brain? Or your sexual identity? Or your employment status? Whatever way we line up, with the systems, we are privileged; whatever way we don’t,. means that we’re othered or oppressed. And the first step to moving away. from that tick box exercise definition of diversity that I described earlier,. and into something richer and more beneficial, and more beautiful for everyone, is understanding our privilege. Now, equity and equality, are talked about interchangeably, but they don't really mean the same thing. Equality is the idea that everybody. should have equal access to resources and opportunities. Beautiful idea. Big fan. However, because I also see, systems of oppression and privilege, I’m really concerned that equality. doesn’t go far enough. Which is why I prefer to talk about equity. Equity takes equality. and adds restitution for systemic and historical oppression. Equity is understanding, that the gender pay gap is not just about dollars; it is also about training opportunities, parental leave, and both the bamboo and glass ceilings. Equity is understanding, that somebody in the United States has always been denied housing based on their race, and we have to change. some systems to fix that. Equity takes history. into account in a serious way so that we can rewrite, the world and fix these systems, so that everybody can have equal access to resources and opportunities. But without that reshaping,. we're only halfway there. The difference between, oppression vs. privilege and centering vs. othering is that oppression and privilege. doesn’t move culture to culture, whereas centering and othering does. For example, when I’m outside the United States, my ability to discuss the Liverpool Football Club at length is much more valuable. than in the United States, where my ability, to discuss Philly’s baseball matters a whole lot more. Being a lady sports fan, throws people off around the globe. There are some conversations I am in where my theological training and my personal faith put me, right at the center of those conversations and others where it puts me, real far outside. I am privileged to be able-bodied and educated and white. But as a fat woman, I endure oppressions that other people do not - the degree to which shifts, culture to culture. And so it is with all of us; all of this is true. We are all so many things all at once..

Different things carry different power. We are all messy, unfinished beings, brimming with both potentials and traumas. Because let’s be real. Some of these things are not. just entities that exist in an ether. They are traumatic things that crash. into people’s lives against their will and shape humans against their consent. And so it is with all of us. What I propose is that we take all of this and operationalize it, so it’s not just words on a page or words out of my mouth but becomes lived truth that shapes, how we move about the world. This may seem overwhelming,, but I promise that it is not only doable, it’s mandatory. The students at the soup kitchen event,, they were kind, hospitable even. There were no outright. arguments or racist epithets. They were tolerant. And that’s simply not enough. Tolerance thrives in a society in which we still believe in the myth of separate but equal and, therefore, cannot see the world, through lenses other than our own. Tolerance is when women. are protesting rape culture and people are very concerned, for a young man's future. Tolerance is when we are more concerned, with the cost of our clothing than the cost to the planet. Tolerance is when we soothe ourselves and stay in our bubbles and tell ourselves, that because we are good people - and we are good people - that how we want. the United States or Malawi or Japan or Azerbaijan or the United Kingdom is correct. How we want it to be is right. And anyone who disagrees with us is wrong. Or misguided. Or immature. Or evil. Tolerance is garbage,. and we have got to get rid of it. Tolerance flattens diversity. It erases it. Whereas inclusion activates it, and allows us to interact with each other on a human level that allows us. to create a potentially richer experience for absolutely everyone. As I was growing up, I was taught to be kind and offer hospitality at every single opportunity. And not just hospitality like we traditionally understand it, where you entertain folks, in either a neutral or a private space. No, my family took that and added a sacred commitment to feed the hungry and clothe the naked. and house the homeless - which we did a few times - and offer welcome to anyone who needed it. That was hospitality to us, and it made my life so rich. But I realized a little while ago that it wasn’t enough. I had to actually listen to people. I had to ask them questions, and then listen some more. I had to decenter my view of the world and listen to theirs and understand theirs and expand my worldview, if only for a moment. I had to understand my privilege. so that I could understand oppression so that I could start to unlearn a lot, about how I thought the world worked. I had to open my brain as well as my home. I had to stop practicing hospitality and start practicing radical, inclusive,. intersectional hospitality. And when I did, it changed my life. And if you want it to, it’ll change yours. For I am convinced, with every fiber of my being that if we keep acting like diversity. is something that can be achieved in a workshop between Black people. and white people, we are doomed. The great news is, that another way is possible. Now, practicing radical, inclusive,, intersectional hospitality is hard. It is a discipline and it is a practice, but it’s simple. We just have to listen. We have to read books. by authors we disagree with and watch documentaries, about cultures we know nothing about. We have to volunteer, at organizations that matter to us and get to know our fellow volunteers. We have to listen and ask questions. and listen some more. Because once you do that,. once you listen to somebody and get to know them. and expand how you see the world just a little bit, via theirs, how you see everything shifts. Now, quick word on understanding. This does not mean approving of actions or agreeing with thought processes. All understanding means is to respect. that their worldview is theirs and not yours. We can do this; we can. And in the immortal words. of millennials everywhere, what is seen cannot be unseen. And once you really see how the world works for people who aren’t you, once you emphatically, engage with difference, how you move through the world changes. It’s like Dorothy Gale. Only seeing the world. through your own worldview is Kansas. And I think it’s time to go to Oz. (Cheers) (Clapping) There’s numbers behind what I’m saying, but the truth of the matter is this: we have tried it the other way. We have tried being exclusive and divided and elitist. We have tried pretending. that different meant bad. We have tried expecting everybody to be us. and being furious when they’re not. And I don’t know about y’all,. but I don’t think it’s going so great. And I'd really, really, really, love us to try another way. So I beseech you to throw open, the doors of your life and allow other people, to walk around inside of it. And keep going until your first reaction to difference is curiosity. Listen. Ask questions and listen some more. Allow your mind to change,, your worldview to expand, and your understanding of the world to shift. It’s simple. It’s work. And it's time to get started. (Applause),