Kaiji: Ultimate Abridged

Yeah.. You know, I think I can stay relatively happy as long as I don't think about money. Dammit! Open up! This is the crybaby police. I'M NOT CRYING! Don't worry, I'm not here to arrest you. This is regarding information about an inheritance. What'd you say? Do you remember.. Your-- father? No. Okay good! 'Cuz he's dead. Oh! Inheritance? Your father left you-- debt. Lots of it. Can you clear something up for me? -- Why didn't my father's debt go to my mother?! Oh, uh- yeah. She's dead too. Momma!? NO NO NO NO NO- Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't worry. Her debt isn't nearly as much! More debt? Ah! I'm just playin'! It's double! Momma, no! It's not all bad though. She also left you a BMW. You know the one. Yep! ... Why'd you do that? .. Because life isn't fair!? Speaking of which, it's a little behind on, payments... That'll be an issue. Alright, enough! I can't pay for any of this! What do you expect me to do? Work hard? Set up a payment plan? You know, be responsible. Huhhh... A payment plan... You could also try gambling. Did you say, G-G-G-Gambling!!!? NO! I said gambling. There's a cruise ship that can erase all your. debts, Kaiji. It's available only to the most- desperate. Losers like you compete for a second chance. This could be your way out. Hey man, no need to convince me. I'm already on board. Actually you're not. I'm still waiting on a call to see if there's, any more tickets available. Oh, hold on. That might be it right now. Hello? Mhmm? Yep. Hm? Okay. Yeah. Well.. What did they say!? That was about your girlfriend. Don't tell me she's dead too! No, she's breaking up with you. She's with me now Kaiji... WHAT!? But yeah you got the spot. HmmmmHmmm... Ladies and degenerates. You have all found yourself in quite the predicament. These two ships are packed with high-grade. explosives! We have the detonator to theirs, and they have ours. To survive you must- Tonegawa, sir! This is the gambling boat. Oh, wrong boat. My mistake. This is the gambling boat... The game that will decide your fate is-- Rock,. Paper, Scissors... The rules are- Aw, come on, I don't have to explain the rules,. do I? They're very, very dumb. All of them are in immense debt and now they're, gambling. Rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper, paper beats rock. Any questions? How does paper beat rock? That makes no sense at all! Scissors are metal, how does rock break scissors? Do the cards themselves count as paper? Those were indeed questions.. NOW LET THE GAMES BEGIN! Alright, this is my first round. Keep it together Kaiji. Don't buckle under the pressure. Nice to meet you, my name's Funai. I FORFEIT! No forfeiting. Hey man, it's just the first round. Whatever happens, don't stress, just gamble. That's what the sign says! Oh yeah, that does put me at ease. That's the spirit. Okay it's my turn and I play paper. No stress. Okay, rock, no stress! OH NO! YOU PLAYED ROCK! THAT'S IT FOR ME, I LOST. IT'S OVER KAIJI. MY LIFE IS CIRCLING THE DRAIN OF DESPAIR AND, I'LL NEVER GET OUT. No Funai. You won. I distinctly remember them saying paper beats everything. Are you kidding?! The rock is obviously a paperweight! Wow.. This game has layers! Judge? Paper beats rock. Are you sure the rock isn't a paperweight? Think of my hand as paper, and your face as rock. Do you understand? Do I need to repeat myself? Can you stop being a dick and just tell us, the rules? I don't know how to make this any clearer. Man, that guy slapped the piss out of me. Oh god.. Don't pick the one next to me-don't pick the. onenextome-ah, dammit. Man, I can't believe that guy pulled Scissors. on me. Lemme guess, you played paper? No, this was yesterday, a guy stabbed me in. the leg with a pair of scissors. Wait a minute, that gives me an idea. Okay, so I've gathered you both here because,

you're the only ones with worse scores than me. That makes you two the biggest losers on a. boat full of losers. That's rude... But accurate. I'm not a loser! My best friend is a Nigerian Prince! He's holding all my money for me. What's your name? Ando. Ando, you're not allowed to make decisions. Awwww... And you- Furahata. Fura-furra- Furr--Frank, you're not allowed, to make decisions either. Yess!! But you're above Ando. Awwww.. Fair. So if we band together, we might have a chance. Among us we have SOME star chips. But we're going to need more than some star. chips. We're going to need, I dunno, like 10? The point is that we're- Wait a minute... Earlier in the bathroom... Was kaiji looking at my- FRANK PAY ATTENTION! IT WAS COLD!!! My point is, we are better off as a team. We need to trust each other. I trust you guys complete-where's Ando? Hey Fight me! Ando, get back here! Trust me guys! Remember? We have to trust each other now. I was mostly talking about me and Frank. And Rock beats Scissors. All of a sudden an alliance between the 3. worst players on the boat doesn't seem like a good idea. Kaiji, I have a lot of respect for you. So don't take this the wrong way. But you haven't had the balls to challenge anyone yet, you coward! Yeah! No offense, but you're total scaredy cat. WHAT!? I'm no scardey cat. Look, I'm going to challenge that guy! Don't get carried away Kaiji, that's Dwayne, McDougal, the best RPS player in the country. Even I know about him and I'm a dumbass. He may have more experience. But I'm desperate to prove myself. Tell me the truth, Furahata. What chance does Kaiji have? Dwayne McDougal has never lost a match. He's known for his special techniques like, the nuclear bomb, the three headed dragon, and just plain paper. I've also heard, his favorite flavor of ice, cream, is winning. Oh no! Hey, I'm back! Beat him. You what!? Yep, guy played just plain paper. I scissored his ass good. Sweet! Gross! Thanks to me we're a little better off, but we can't take anymore risks. We need a plan. I could trade in my jacket for a star chip! Nobody wants that. That jacket is the ugliest part of you and, I've seen your face. Awww... I took out a huge loan to buy this jacket. What if we traded our cards with other players, so we have all cards of one type. That's brilliant, Frank. That's gives us a uhhh 41% chance of winning every match! The same odds as a coin flip. And with Ando on our team, that might be the. best chance we've got! Heh heh, I'm a liability. That settles it, lets gather back here with all rock cards. Okay! Wait, we should go with all scissors! Oooh, I like that idea too. No rock is clearly the strongest of the three. Actually that would be paper, it beats everything. Okay, Paper, that's the one. We should go with paper. Rock! Scissors! Paper! ROCK! I'M ALSO YELLING! If only there was some kind of easy chance-based, game we could use to solve this. A coin flip? Where are we going to get that many coins. I don't know but that timer is running out. Wait... Timer? Attention losers, I forgot to mention that, there is a timer. And time is running out. Anyone who doesn't have a lot of stars when

the time runs out, um... Dies. That is all. Okay, rock is fine! Rock works. Okay, did you get all the rock cards? I'm rock hard! What is wrong with you? Look Kaiji, it's the strongest rock type, Geodude. I traded everything for it. Ando, you moron, that's a reprint. It's worthless. Give it to me. No it's mine! Heyy, it�s me again. It�s time for the mandatory unannounced card shuffle, just in case anyone thought they�d hoard all the rock cards. I knew we should have gone with paper. Rock was oddly specific, is he watching us? No! Well, what are our new cards, Kaiji? We have 32 rock, 3 scissors, and 34 paper. That gives us a total of 69 cards. Nice. Nice. Nice. And the scoreboard says there are 34 rocks, 8 scissors, and 34 paper. If my math is correct that means we have a. 515.8% chance of winning, with a remainder of 3. I don't like those odds. Well well well, if it isn't Kaiji. No, I'm Ando, he's Kaiji. Ever since you beat me, I've been on a downward. spiral. My life is in ruins! Wait.. But you beat me. Don't make this about you. It's time we settled this once and for all. No way, you already- You're on cowboy. Within three feet of me, Kaiji is the best player ever. Alright, then let's make this interesting. We'll play for TWO star chips. Make it all of them. You're on! Ando... remind me to knee you in the stomach later. Okay. Alright, this is it. The ultimate challenge against my greatest, rival. Don't buckle under the pressure Funai. Let's get this over with. I FORFEIT. I'll allow it. WHAT!? Here are my stars. That was anticlimactic. Time's up! How's that for a climax? Oh no! None of us have enough stars to survive. We're all going to die. I leave all my money to my Royal Nigerian. Friend. No need. Look, I can give you both my stars. And only one of us has to die. You mean I'll live forever!? ... Sure buddy. You'd do that for me? Kaiji! Just take them. My life sucked anyway. I've accepted my fate. It has come to my attention that it's illegal, for us to execute random people. Apparently I got that rule wrong. I'm aware this might have made things a little. tense. So to make up for it, if you want, you can. use your winnings to bring back one of your friends. Why are they all naked? Thematic license. I don't get it. Somebody grab that man and put him in the, naked room. Did you hear that Ando! We can bring back Kaiji! Uh huh... Hey Kaiji! Don't worry, I'm not looking at your junk. Thank you, Frank! You're my best friend. Guards, I want to buy my friend Ka- Wait Furahata. If we save Kaiji, that means we can't keep, this large stack of money. Wait... I never thought about it that way. You morons! I sacrificed myself for you! And think about all the times he called you, stupid, said your face was ugly, and made fun of your jacket. *gasp* You're right! I'm keeping my money. You raise a good point. Sorry Kaiji. I guess I'm betraying you. Frank, you agreeable prick! Alright, it's time to gas the naked room. *whispers* Oh-Oh yeah, I can't do that. *whispers* What? I can't indefinitely detain them either? *whispers* Aw gambling's illegal too? ... Everyone get off my boat. Uh, oh... Come on, Kaiji. If we had known you were going to get out. anyway we wouldn't have betrayed you! Come at me, Kaiji..