My Girlfriend is Kinda Odd

You know how when people get into a new  relationship they go through a honeymoon   phase well me and my girlfriend went through uh  is the person i'm dating a deranged murderer phase   when she first came over to my house she thought . my nintendo figure collection was something only a   psychopath would have and she's right , when you've been living alone for so long   sometimes you just need to buy friends and put  them on display and sometimes you do this by   turning people into lampshades or chairs luckily , i just collect hunky reptile figures gif doesn't   actually think i'm a psychopath anymore which is . good you know because i don't want anyone to know   the truth however early on in our relationship  there were some things i did that she didn't like   like one time i was unloading the dishwasher and i . was putting away the knives and gift looked at me   all concerned and i asked what's the matter huh i  don't know what made her run to the other side of   the room like that when i could clearly just throw . the knife at her yeah she's kind of stupid but she   definitely got her point across that she didn't  like me holding multiple knives and told me to cut   it out but i didn't know if she was a psychopath . either though because there are definitely some   things about her that made me question her  sanity like how she owns a two thousand dollar   animal mascot costume but she hates sports that's . weird one time when i was over at her apartment i   was looking through her freezer assuming she had , bagel bites and i asked hey babe uh where's all   the bagel bites and there was this plastic grocery , bag in there and she tells me no no don't look in   there we don't have any bagel bites you ate them . all remember but in my mind all i'm thinking is   hold on what the frick does this chick have in her  freezer that she doesn't want me to see a freezer   is not a place where you tell someone don't look , in there you say that about underwear drawers and   toilets that's it i don't know what we did for the , next 10 minutes cause all i was thinking about was   how many severed hands were in gif's freezer . but then i thought okay maybe i'm overreacting   i optimistically asked hey um babe are you um , perhaps keeping a surprise for me in the freezer   like a birthday cake my birthday's not for . another five months but that's the only thing i   could think a person would hide in a freezer that . wouldn't make them a psychopath and she said nope so what's in there don't worry about it do  you not see how this looks if the doors were   unlocked i would have been out of there i , wasn't about to lose sleep over this so i   held up the knife i had from the previous joke  and said what's in the freezer and she went it's a dead snake you had a dead snake next to ,

the bagel bites so fun fact about my gif she owns   eight snakes apparently she used to own nine i've , learned that snakes are a very low maintenance pet   you only have to feed them once every three , years and if you cut them in half they turn   into two snakes yeah so i have no clue how one of  her snakes could have died and another fun fact   snakes lack the part of the brain that feels love  they're physically incapable of showing affection   so your pet hognose would sell your soul to snake  satan for one dead mouse so she already has eight   pets that don't love her and potentially her  boyfriend too if she doesn't get rid of that   freezer snake at least my reptiles aren't dead  in a freezer i immediately start asking questions   why do you have a dead snake in your freezer how , many other dead animals are in your freezer what   the heck's wrong with you and she said i wanted , to get him taxidermied but the person i wanted   to have do it was busy also there's dead rats in . there for my snakes well that explains why the   bagel bites tasted so funny what's extremely gross . is that the snake is still in there to this day i   don't know how long the snake was in there before  but it's been well over a year since that incident   it's honestly great though because now she can , never complain about the state of my refrigerator   i'll have potatoes that are sprouting more . potatoes grapes that are getting me tipsy   and if she points any of it out i just respond . with oh you think my refrigerator is disgusting   yeah medusa uh-huh one time she said ah my fridge  smells terrible and i don't know why really you   can't think of a single reason she said no . i said the fridge smells bad not the freezer   i said i will flush your snake down the toilet , and give you a swirly now that's the sign of true   love kids but for all i know she could totally  still have severed hands in there after dealing   with the snakesicle situation there's some other  things i've learned from being in a relationship   apparently there are rules and etiquettes when , eating food and my girlfriend sure does love   and enforce those rules i was taught don't put  your elbows on the table close your mouth when   you're chewing unless you want to talk to someone . and make sure you eat something green every once   in a while but according to her there's more than  that like did you know that bagel bites aren't a   part of a balanced diet we were at a restaurant , one time pre-covered and when we got our food   gift took a napkin and put it on our lap and , told me to do that as well because you're   supposed to do that in a society i looked around , the restaurant and said but no one else has a   napkin on their laps and she said that's because  she wanted to eat at a denny's i didn't know why   she was such a stickler for table manners until i ,

went to her family's place for thanksgiving and i   stepped inside and saw two sets of staircases in . their house and it all made sense oh they're fancy   and collect staircases going to my girlfriend's . home for thanksgiving was the first time i met   a partner's parents and i tried really really . hard to get them to like me because i'm kissing   their firstborn child i'm in the house , dad's watching sports i love sports i lied   mom's working on a puzzle i love puzzles they , used to call me the puzzle king in high school   her brother's playing mario odyssey i love  mario oh wait i don't have to impress you   stuck at this game in an effort to get them to . like me more i brought a gift for gif's family   i got them a little baby cactus because it's . small and prickly and doesn't like to be touched   just like her ow babe no no babe it was a joke , it was a joke babe gif's thanksgiving meal was   the polar opposite of my family's thanksgiving my , family does thanksgiving with two other families   and they all come together with mashed potatoes  and everyone gets in a line with paper plates and   we all have one big mashed potato potluck then . i sit at the kids table to avoid talking about   politics gif's family used real plates and had  candles and everyone puts a napkin on their lap   i felt like shrek at fiona's castle they had three , forks of various sizes but i still wanted them to   like me so i wasn't about to point out that it . made no sense to use three different forks to   eat a meal this must be why gif is so afraid of , knives all these cutlery options are bringing up   childhood traumas of going up all the stairs but , gif's family was so fancy that i actually didn't   even meet them on thanksgiving my memory just . filled in that we were having a thanksgiving meal   gift read this script and was like you know you  didn't meet them on thanksgiving right that was   just a regular tuesday brunch that wasn't even a , meal to be thankful for why we talk about politics   so much one of the big political debates we have , is that gift tells me i wear dad socks but i don't   think she understands my genius you see if i buy  and wear the same pair of socks for the rest of my   life i'll never have to worry about matching socks  ever again so i've already picked out the socks   that i'm going to be wearing at my funeral and as , we were wrapping up our non-thankful meal i got up   from the table and gif's dad said hey i have those , socks so i guess she's right about some things and   her dad totally likes me now in the end as long , as i make gif happy then i know her parents will   like me no matter what socks i wear and as long as  you're with someone who makes you a happier person   then they're a good partner too even if they , refuse to throw away the dead snake they've had  .